A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ketchup is God's man juice
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize