fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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