on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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