Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
