I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
