are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
