Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she peed on how many people?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
