Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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