I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
