Jerry, you need to find god
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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