I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
