i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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