Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
