I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
