so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I got inside last night via doggy door
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
