Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
