I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
