I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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