Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
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