So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
