My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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