Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
