I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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