When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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