i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
