ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
