WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
