When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
