Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The Olympian is in my bed
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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