Betty ford says i'm here all night
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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