Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We named our party play list daddy issues
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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