My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
