I'm eating all of the evidence.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
