I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize