I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
