why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
