Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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