You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
