hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
