My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
