Well apparently he's into motor boating.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i think my cat just said my name.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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