just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she pinky promised me she was 18
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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