Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
