I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
