Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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