in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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