Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
