I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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