I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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