how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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