The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
