my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
