Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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