hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
