I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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