Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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